Reggie's Guestbook

In memory of Reggie

Her laugh
a girlish giggle
Hey boys!
How about some jello!

Dancing solo
to Louie Satchmo
It's a wonderful world
But worse without you,
Reggie.

Love always,
Carla

I was saddened to hear of Reggie's death and want to convey my condolences to Eric, Mark and the rest of the family. My family and the Kriss family were friends in the Stanford community during my childhood. Joe and my father were colleagues on the faculty and even though they were in different schools, their fields of interest overlapped. I think I saw Reggie and Joe primarily when they came to dinner parties in my parents' campus home and I know that my parents were often invited to their gatherings as well. I also remember at least one occasion when I visited the Kriss' ultra-modern Pine Hill home decorated with artwork by Joe, and we spent several hours at an afternoon party by the Kriss' swimming pool. I was a schoolmate of Eric and Mark although, being of different ages, we never shared a class.

In my mid 40s, I became reacquainted with Reggie in her role as a therapist and support group leader for women with breast cancer. I was stunned by my diagnosis and treatment and was struggling to cope with this drastic change in my life while raising two young sons. Reggie's group was a godsend! Her courage, vitality and optimism were inspiring for many of us. I will always be grateful to her for the warmth she showed me at different stages in my life but I feel particularly lucky to have benefited from her experience and wisdom in dealing with this extreme life challenge.

My own mother died in August 2007 after declining for a period of several years. I know how wrenching it is to see a loved one battle courageously to the end. I am sure Reggie must have faced death equally valiantly and with dignity. I am very sorry that I did not know she was ill because I would have liked the opportunity to let her know, again, what a terrific role model she was for our group members and what a difference she made in my life.

I am touched deeply by this Memorial tribute and particularly moved by Reggie's own farewell message and by Mark's film. My heart goes out to all her family members who will surely miss the warm smiles and innocent joy that she always seemed to exude.

I was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer almost 15 years ago, when my daughter was just 8 months old. Within in the first year, I joined a support group of wonderful women, led by Reggie. We all had fairly young children then, and it has been thrilling to live to see them grow up.

I learned so many truths from Reggie, that still resonate for me - "think of yourself as a well, and only give the overflow to others," "keep talking about what has happened to you, until it is outside of you, and not hurting you on the inside."

I credit Reggie's help and support with keeping me safe for so many years, and helping me through more recent challenges. Plus, our support group continues to meet and be a continuing source of sustenance for us all.

First memory is when I’m four and Reggie and Joe come to visit us in Chicago. Joe brings the Raggedy Ann Painting that he has painted of my Raggedy Ann Doll and gives it to me. I am thrilled. Joe says he has no pillow to sleep with so I offer him mine. He is very touched.

And then, also at 4, we are at the wedding of Reggie and Joe. I remember the beautiful Rose garden and the beautiful bride, thinking Reggie was oh so beautiful. I’ve never stopped thinking that. I was the flower girl with Sandy…..and I remember walking down the aisle, dropping pedals. My dad told me to hurry up, I was going too slowly…..but I wanted to do it perfectly at this perfect wedding.

I remember getting books from Reggie at Christmas time and being disappointed. I wanted toys and she sent books….but then I would realize that they were really good books that I would like to read, and be interested in. It always surprised me. She’d pick a book that was right up my alley.

And gifts from Reggie were always like that….something I would end up loving and cherishing…..always beautiful and colorful and unique. I have stunning jewelry and beautiful pottery that I will always adore and reminds me of her daily. She had a way of both having her wonderful taste but holding my taste at the same time when she brought a present for me.

And it was the same when she invited me to a seminar or a spa. She would take me out of my element (like when she took me to the enneagram conference) or to a sort of airy fairy Jungian conference at Eselen. I would resist at first, not my thing, not interested, but of course it was always a joy to be with Reggie and I would find myself entering in, opening up new places for myself and that was as much about Reggie as it was about the conference. She never forced anything down my throat…..just invited me in the loveliest way so that I could try it with the option to like it or not……which allowed me to like it!

Sometimes Reggie was very gullible, in my opinion. At Eselen we went to the same psychic who ended up telling us pretty much the same thing. I thought he was a big fraud (ok, he was intuitive but all he had to know was that we were women to say what he did) and Reggie thought he was brilliant. As much as I wanted her to agree with me, I also loved her ability to trust and I loved her enthusiasm and optimism about life.

I also wanted her to have a little more cynicism and pessimism to match me better. When Joe died, her world changed and I felt her to be more balanced in her world view. I appreciated that and felt even closer to her as I felt her more “real”. We talked a lot in those years….

It was then that I shared my misery in my job in employment and for years had been telling her about my desire to be a therapist. I loved hearing about her journey into psychology but didn’t have the courage to change careers. She, even in her grief over Joe’s death, was encouraging to me in a way that allowed me to take the leap. I credit her so much for that leap. I was worried about going back to school and she said that it wasn’t like school, it was all about learning about yourself. I did it and have never regretted it. She encouraged me every step of the way, was my mentor and cheer leader. Although we ended up with pretty different theoretical orientations, she was so able to let me be me, and not impose who she was on me. That was music to my ears, always.

Reggie then went through an adolescent phase, wearing all black and acted like a giddy teenager. I loved it and felt like it was an awakening for her. She was getting over the acute grief after Joe’s death, and had decided, I thought, that there was a life to be lived, and that she could live it even though Joe had died. She really came into her own. She embraced life to the fullest, but this time it was her choice and no one elses. I remember it being a very self absorbed and self involved stage (ala teenager). My parents were very worried and upset about this stage and they were afraid she’d never come out of it. Of course she did.

There were many times when I took a turn different from what my parents wanted for me. Their anxiety overwhelmed them and they couldn’t be there for me. I knew they loved me but they weren’t able to trust that I would come out on the other end. I would ask for their support in my decision and they would say they can’t support me because they didn’t agree with me. Now I know they just couldn’t trust the process but these times were devastating for me…..a time when I needed my parents the most and they couldn’t be comforting or supportive or trusting.

In those times, my Reggie mother came forward with a vengeance and this is the Reggie that I will miss the most, the Reggie who held the trust that I would be fine, the Reggie who supported my (sometimes sane, sometimes crazy) decisions and tolerated me not going the usual or direct paths in life. She was just the greatest. She certainly had standards and any acting out wasn’t ok, but she had this trust that the way to the better life could take a variety of twist and turns for me.

When I left school my senior year of college and moved to the bay area, she kept me sane. She loaned me money too and I don’t remember her loaning it to me but I do remember her telling me that I hadn’t paid her back and that I needed to do that. She helped me grow up and I loved her combination of letting me flounder and at the same time holding me to a certain standard of behaviour……never a lecture (which I would have run from) but by modeling being a grown up.

I had mixed feelings when Ed came along. I loved him from the beginning and was thrilled, so thrilled to see her love again. I knew she could have a good life if she didn’t find a mate and I had no idea how she could find one who was good enough for her. She knew how to feed and fuel herself. She did find a match (amazing!) and the mixed feelings were that I knew she would be less available to me. That was true although by that time just knowing she was on this earth (and integrated in me) was good enough. And it has been.

So the thought of her not being on this earth is taking some adjustment. I love that she made the choice she did to live to the fullest all her life, but in particular, these last two years since her first diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. She has taken each day as if it were her last and devoured it. I love her model and while I can’t do it like she did, I love the model. And I love how she confronted death. I love that she prepared in so many ways through the years with her work with the dying…..and we talked about that a lot, which has helped me with my confronting my mortality……she has so helped me live and yes,

She has helped me to face death when it comes.

Reggie is my beautiful (inside and out) aunt who I will cherish till the day I die.

Reggie has ALWAYS been someone I've admired. From the 1st time at Cannon Beach to this minute. Her sparkle, intellect and just plain sweetness was extraordinary. I loved her and will miss having her cross my path.
Larry's and my thoughts are with you, Eric, Mark and Ed; as well as your families.